Crisis Meeting (17/08/2006 15:45)

Miss me? (did you, I mean - I'm not trying to give myself a new title. I can assure you i was not absent from the game for nearly three weeks in order to get some "gender realignment" work done, that's really not my bag). I doubt you did, but i'll ignore those kinds of slights and move on...

So, from the far east I (occasionally) was able to check up on my progress through the last week of last season, the off season, and the first few games of this season. Horrified is the only word to describe how i felt. I watched from Singapore as Banditos drew nearly every single one of the last 10 matches, to finish a poor sixth. I have previously compared them to Newcastle United, and i was so on the money with that one. A few heads would need cracking, so i planned, upon my return, to stir things up a bit, make sure they knew who the boss was.

That's me, by the way, if you are not following this at all. Pay attention or you'll get lost...

But before I could return from the Far East (quick review, great food, nice places, shame about the Himan rights violations) the new season was upon us, and at Stadio el Banditos this was not a good moment. My rudderless team fell to pieces. Having gotten rid of Jimmy Letterford after his drinking, i discovered to my disgust that whilst i was awayEric Hawksworth developed (thanks largely to the influences of Paolo Psicólogo) had developed a Pie addiction of a level to rival Gazza (but thankfully, not Maradona....yet). Not only that, my team kicked off the season with their second worst start ever! I couldn't have been more annoyed if this was reality! (is it? - oh god i'm thinking of spoons again, and it's not Miss).

Arriving back on the Patalonian plains with the latest copy of Patalucia, our local newspaper, revealling the results of a poll they had done, asking fans "Would you rather see Wojteker fired, resign or be strapped to the back of a truck and dragged around town whislt you pelt him with balled up socks". The results were clearly rigged by the paper for option three, but i'm sure the faithful at the Stadio will vote with their money and spend it on my team. I needed fresh blood, and quick.

Now, thanks to swift sales of yougsters before my trip away, i had racked up £30 odd mill with the intetion of picking up an 80odd rater sriker on the free. I had my eye on one, i just needed a little more cash. Then, once i had the cash, he'd gone (to Spinner of all people! Grrr). And then i lost out in taxes as i couldn't spend it! It was all going so wrong.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel - I have got two new players to put pen to paper and i have now my first 80+ rated players (the best in my division i think - means nothing witht the human detritus they have to play with...). Thanks to this fresh blood, or more because of it, Banditos are clawing their way up the table. The Crisis may have been averted just before the Chaiman asked for my head and all thanks to my management skills once again! Still need the hairdryer button though...

Life Lessons 2: More things i have learnt recently.

1. British Airways are awful. I need leg room and Vegetarian meals when i ask for it. And while they're at it, a decent entertainment system too. Best thing to say to them if you need to get them to do something is "well it wasn;t like that on Virgin!" - always fly Virgin if you can, or at least avoid BA.

2. Crisps are not a major meal

3. A thousand year egg (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand_year_egg) is actually delicious. If you get the chance eat one!

4. Fox news is hilarious as people on the right wing never understand anything. I'm so glad i don't live in america...

5. It is possible to buy too much cheese, despite what you may think.

 

The plane doors opened at Patalonia International at 2am and the desert wind hits me like a desert wind. (sorry, i don't have a picture of that). And instantly i spotted her. Lips that could kiss like a bicicle (i need some better similies, i really do...)

"How was the trip" she asked, before dragging on the cigarette, causing the ash to glow orange in the darkness.

"Fine if you, like Chinese food" i replied, casually.

"I don't" she said

"We'll, it's a good job you didn't come with me"

"It's a good job you left" 

"Can we get to the point here, sweetcheeks?" i asked with a sigh "this banter is meaningless and going nowhere" 

"Fine by me, honey" she dropped the butt and crunched it out under her foot. "How'd you like the info i gave you?"

"Again, can we stop all this 1940's Bogart/Chandler/Marlowe homage. It hurts my eyes. I need to look at you in colour" i responded. She said nothing, she just looked at me with eyes like saucers

only with bits on to make them look like eyes. She turned to walk away, i'd upset her and i still didn't know who she was.

"Gizmo's not your man, he's clean"  she said as the mist gathered around her

"I know that - i played him 5 times alternating 3-6-1 longball and 3-3-4 longball. He was right. It's a stupid formation"

"only as stupid as those who play with it" her voice was fading now, dropping away in the wind. "I said dig deeper anyway, there is more to this than you might expect"

"I'm sure there is baby, but right now i need my sleep"

"Sleep tight then Rik, I'll see you at the bar" I couldn't see her

"But my name's not Rik, it's Wojteker - that's me on the back of the Paper" i yelled back, gesturing at the paper in my hand, but she was gone. A Stewardess came up to me and pulled at my arm.

"Sir, this is Casablanca. You can't get off here, you have to travel to the destination on your Ticket" she pointed at my boarding card.

"Wait a minute" I said, shaking my head in confusion. "why would you route a plane from Hong Kong to South America via Casablanca? It's the wrong way round!"

"No sir" she said with that indeterminable stewardess expression "It's the BA way round".

What on earth did that mean? "Can i at least get my Tequila?" I asked

"No liquids on board sir"

Bollocks...