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Bleaughhhhhh... (03/12/2007 20:36)

Wojteker is currently unwell. He has had a cold for the last week, then pulled a hamstring playing football yesterday and today feels dizzy, has a headache and stomach pains and, ultimately, is not long of this earth.

Therefore, in a desperate attempt to engender some level of human sympathy from his varied readership, he is blogging in the third person (aww).

Wojteker has many reasons to feel sorry for himself, and as his blogging peers have been listing things recently, it occurs to Wojteker to start listing things too.

Reason's why Wojteker is feeling sorry for himself (other than the illness and injury)

1. The time of year: Wojteker likes autumn. At least, he likes the bit of Autumn in the run up to his birthday (19 October - note it for next year). The bit after the birthday, the long drag into December, is a tragic period of depression inducing nothingness, like a desert of unremitting inopportunity. He refers to it as "The Barren Zone". Nothing to look forward to until Christmas and time off work. He is currently in the centre of the Barren Zone, equidistant as he is from Birthday and holidays. To this he says "Bah!"

2. Work: every morning, like almost everyone else on this staid planet we are unfortunate enough to live on, Wojteker must drag himself out of a toasty warm bed, put on uncomfortable clothes and trek off in the dark to a place with no TV. Now, were Wojteker here, he would hit me for saying this next part. (Luckily he isnt.) Wojteker deserves better. He is special. He has certain talents that need to be nurtured. It would be a huge wast of a possibly era defining intellect to keep making this behemoth of brain power keep on doing proletarian work. I encourage all of you to try to keep Wojteker out of work and well supported so he can keep dreaming for us all!

3. 2007: Wojteker can't get to grips with the era into which he has been bore. He is acutely aware that had he been born in the 19th century he would undoubtedly have been a gentleman of leisure. See 2.

4. Beard: Wojteker has spent the last month growing a rather fine beard. It has 7 distinct colours in it. It kept his face warm (despite being somewhat itchy). In short, it was impressive. Wojteker then shaved it off, leaving only a moustache that was very 19th Century British army (from the front). This could not stay (as from the side it looked like a serial killer piece of facial hair). So now his face is bald. Baldness makes men unhappy. Wojteker is therefore unhappy.

5. Heroes: Wojteker has become very keen on this particular TV show, even though it has destroyed a similar concept he had worked out in half a short story. Wojteker can do this because he is a big man. Heroes finishes on Wednesday. Wojteker knows it will be replaced with something turgid and horrendous and therefore will have yet another evening with no alternative but staring at the wall, willing it to fall down on him to put him out of his televisual misery.

6. Season 29: Banditos were shit. Division 1 brought nothing but injury and misery. Banditos will never be as good as they were then. Banditos are destined to a future of mediocraty and Wojteker knows full well he'll be presiding over each and every bloody second.

7. Season 30: see item 6.

8. Cinemas: There are lots of films Wojteker wants to see at the movies. Wojteker is a bit of a movie oficionado and loves the big screen. Unfortunately, the movie experience is ruined for Wojteker due to a) Tickets that cost £8 b) other people with their other people noises and other people smells c) other people's children. Wojteker believes they should be kept on a short leash d) Cinema food e) Cinema rules on cinema food f) fascist cinema staff.

9. Readership: Wojteker is in his richest vein of form in terms of short story writing. He has never had such an output. Yet, as a modest and delicate soul, not given to self aggrandising or trumpet blowing, wojteker will never ask someone to read something. Therefore, he is hurt at how many people he has mentioned the rich vein of form, yet only 1, one single person, has asked to read the work. Like Kafka, Wojteker is worried he will end up leaving all his work with the instructions for it to be destroyed, only for his solicitor to disobey and publish them, leaving Wojteker to only be famous after his death (when he can't make use of that fame for purposes of global domination). If you could find it in your heart to ask to read something, please do.

10. Not having a real 10th thing: Wojteker has to resort to cheating to complete his list. This is depressing in itself.

So you can see, Wojteker has many justifiable reasons for being depressed today. He may snap out of it an return to the first person narrative in the future. If not, i'll see you soon...

much love

Marvin (Wojteker's rather pleasant third person)

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